New Yorkers think they understand America because they live in the center of the universe. They don’t. Especially when it comes to Chicago. The Second City operates on a completely different frequency than the Big Apple, and watching New Yorkers try to decode Chicago culture is like watching someone try to solve a Rubik’s cube while blindfolded. Here are 25 things that will forever mystify anyone who thinks the subway is the height of civilization.
25. You Don’t Understand Why We Call It “Italian Beef” When It’s Clearly a Sandwich
To you, it’s just a messy sandwich with weird, wet meat. You can’t comprehend why we treat Italian beef like it’s a sacred food group when it looks like someone dumped gravy on perfectly good roast beef. You keep asking for napkins and wondering why we’re eating something that requires a shower afterward. The beauty is in the drippiness, not despite it. You’ll never get it.
24. You Think Deep Dish Pizza Is “Not Real Pizza”
You smugly declare that our pizza is actually casserole while scarfing down your floppy triangles of sadness covered in grease. You can’t understand how something that takes 45 minutes to cook and requires a fork could possibly be pizza. Meanwhile, you think folding cardboard with cheese constitutes cuisine. We’re not trying to reinvent pizza—we’re improving it. Your thin crust is just bread with toppings.
23. You Can’t Comprehend Why We Actually Like Our Sports Teams
You root for teams you hate because you have Stockholm syndrome from decades of disappointment. We actually love our teams, even when they break our hearts. You can’t understand genuine sports passion that isn’t rooted in spite or geographical obligation. When the Cubs won in 2016, we cried actual tears of joy. When your teams win, you just complain about the parade traffic.
22. You Don’t Get Why We’re Not Impressed by Your Rent Prices
You brag about paying $4,000 for a studio like it’s an achievement. We’re looking at you like you just told us you enjoy getting punched in the face. You think expensive equals valuable. We think expensive equals stupid. You can’t fathom that someone might choose affordability over proximity to overpriced juice bars and artisanal everything.
21. You Think Chicago Winters Are “Not That Bad” Until You Experience One
You strut into town in January wearing your cute little peacoat, talking about how you’ve “dealt with winter before.” Then the polar vortex hits and you discover what actual cold feels like. Your “I survived Sandy” t-shirt doesn’t prepare you for -20 wind chills that turn your tears into ice before they hit the ground. You learn quickly that talking tough about weather is very different from living through it.
20. You Can’t Understand Why We Don’t Want to Live Like Sardines
You think cramming eight people into a two-bedroom apartment is “character building.” We think it’s insane. You can’t comprehend wanting space to breathe, park a car, or have friends over without everyone sitting on the same couch. You’ve convinced yourself that living in a shoebox is sophisticated urban living. We call it claustrophobia with a lease.
19. You Don’t Get Our Relationship with Lake Michigan
You see a big lake and think, “that’s nice.” We see 22% of the world’s fresh water and a coastline that stretches beyond the horizon. You can’t understand how a lake can feel like an ocean when you’re used to looking at the Hudson River and calling it waterfront. Lake Michigan isn’t just scenery—it’s our backyard, our beach, and our weather system all rolled into one.
18. You Think Our Public Transportation Is “Quaint”
You mock the L like it’s some adorable small-town trolley system. You can’t understand how we survive without a subway that goes everywhere and runs 24/7. Meanwhile, our trains actually run on time, don’t reek of mystery odors, and you can ride them without needing a hazmat suit. You mistake efficiency for simplicity.
17. You Can’t Comprehend Why We Don’t Rush Everywhere
You walk like you’re perpetually late for the most important meeting of your life. We walk like human beings who aren’t constantly stressed about imaginary deadlines. You think our pace means we’re lazy or unmotivated. We think your pace means you’re probably having a stroke. There’s a difference between being busy and being productive.
16. You Don’t Understand Why We Actually Talk to Strangers
You’re suspicious of anyone who makes eye contact or says hello without being prompted. You can’t fathom that someone might strike up a conversation without wanting something from you. You’ve been conditioned to treat human interaction like a potential scam. We still remember that people can be decent without ulterior motives.
15. You Think Our Architecture Is “Cute” But Not Important
You dismiss our skyline like it’s a nice regional effort while living in a city that peaked architecturally in 1931. You can’t understand that Chicago invented the skyscraper, perfected urban planning, and influenced every major city’s design. You think tall equals impressive. We think beautiful equals impressive. There’s a difference.
14. You Can’t Figure Out Why We’re Not Trying to Be New York
You keep waiting for us to admit we’re just a smaller, inferior version of your city. You can’t understand that we never wanted to be New York and consider that a feature, not a bug. You think every city should aspire to your particular brand of chaos. We think you can keep it. We’re perfectly happy being Chicago.
13. You Don’t Get Why We Care About Neighborhoods
You live in Manhattan, Brooklyn, or Queens and think that’s specific enough. We have 77 distinct neighborhoods, each with its own personality, history, and pride. You can’t understand why someone would identify as being from Lincoln Park versus Lakeview when they’re “basically the same thing.” They’re not. Geography matters when you actually have choices.
12. You Think Our Music Scene Is Just Blues and Jazz
You show up expecting to hear Muddy Waters at every corner bar and are confused when you find indie rock, hip-hop, and electronic music instead. You can’t understand that a city’s musical identity can evolve beyond its historical reputation. You’re still looking for speakeasies, while we’ve moved on to actual venues with good sound systems.
11. You Can’t Comprehend Driving as a Normal Part of City Life
You treat car ownership like some bizarre suburban fetish when it’s actually just practical transportation. You can’t understand how someone can live in a city and still need a car without being a failure at urban living. You’ve been brainwashed into thinking cars are evil instead of just tools that make life easier.
10. You Don’t Understand Why We’re Not Jealous of Your Job Market
You assume everyone wants to work in finance, media, or tech startups that will implode in six months. You can’t fathom that some people prefer stable industries, reasonable work-life balance, and companies that aren’t run by 25-year-old sociopaths with venture capital. You think opportunity only exists in a five-mile radius of Times Square.
9. You Think Our Food Scene Is Just Steakhouses and Hot Dogs
You come here expecting only meat and potatoes and are shocked to find James Beard Award winners, innovative cuisine, and restaurants that don’t require a trust fund to afford. You can’t understand how a “secondary” city could possibly have food that rivals yours. You’re too busy waiting in line for ramen burgers to notice actual culinary innovation.
8. You Can’t Figure Out Why We Don’t Complain About Everything
You think constant griping about your city proves you’re sophisticated and discerning. We think it proves you’re miserable and should probably move. You can’t understand how someone can genuinely like where they live without being naive or settling for less. Contentment confuses you because you’ve forgotten what it feels like.
7. You Don’t Get Why We Have Actual Seasons
You experience winter as “cold” and summer as “hot” with no appreciation for the transition or variety. You can’t understand why we get excited about changing leaves, first snow, or spring flowers when you could just have the same gray drizzle year-round. You think consistent weather is superior to experiencing the full range of what nature offers.
6. You Think Our Pace of Life Means We’re Not Ambitious
You mistake our work-life balance for a lack of drive. You can’t comprehend that someone might want to succeed without sacrificing their health, relationships, and sanity. You think 80-hour work weeks and chronic stress are badges of honor instead of symptoms of a broken system. We work to live. You live to work. We’re not the confused ones.
5. You Can’t Understand Why We Don’t Center Our Lives Around Brunch
You’ve elevated weekend eating into a religion that requires reservations, waiting lists, and Instagram documentation. You can’t fathom just eating breakfast at breakfast time and lunch at lunch time like a normal person. You think combining two meals into one overpriced event makes you sophisticated. We think it makes you late for everything else.
4. You Don’t Get Why We’re Not Impressed by Celebrity Sightings
You treat spotting someone famous like winning the lottery and can’t understand our complete indifference to celebrity culture. You can’t comprehend living somewhere where famous people aren’t constantly trying to be seen. You think celebrity proximity equals cultural relevance. We think privacy and normalcy are more valuable than gawking at actors buying coffee.
3. You Think Our Politics Are “Simple” Compared to Yours
You assume our political landscape is just “regular Democrat vs. Republican” when we’ve actually perfected corruption into an art form that makes your amateur-hour scandals look quaint. You can’t understand political machinery that actually gets things done, even if it’s sometimes through questionable means. Your politics are all theater. Ours are all business.
2. You Can’t Comprehend Why We Don’t Want to Visit New York
You assume every American dreams of seeing the Big Apple and can’t understand why we’re not planning pilgrimages to your city. You can’t fathom that someone might prefer wide sidewalks, clean air, and personal space to crowds, noise, and overpriced everything. You think we’re missing out. We think we’re avoiding a headache.
1. You’ll Never Understand That We Don’t Think About You at All
This is the big one. You assume Chicago has some inferiority complex about New York and spend energy comparing us to you. The truth is, we rarely think about New York unless someone brings it up. You’re not our rival, our goal, or our measuring stick. You’re just another city we’re glad we don’t live in. Your obsession with being the center of everything blinds you to the fact that the rest of us are living perfectly good lives without you. We’re really not that into you.
