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HER
I found the coffee table on a Tuesday
$9,000
I didn’t see the price at first
That’s important
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I saw the table
Low
Walnut
Handmade
Beautiful
Then I saw the price
$9,000
I closed the tab
Wednesday I opened it again
Still $9,000
Sometimes things go on sale
This did not
I showed him Thursday
I said what do you think
He said of what
I said the table
He said it’s a coffee table
This was not useful
I said I know
He said how much
I said guess
He said don’t do that
I said just guess
He said $1,200
I didn’t say anything
He looked at me
He said no
I hadn’t told him the price yet
I said you don’t even know
He said I know enough
I told him
$9,000
He laughed
Not mean
Just involuntary
I closed the laptop
Friday he sent me a coffee table
$649
I said that’s not the same
He said it’s almost exactly the same
It was brown
That was where the similarities ended
Saturday we went to see mine
I didn’t call it mine
Not out loud
He walked around it
He crouched down
He looked underneath
Of course he looked underneath
He asked the salesman what kind of wood
Solid American walnut
He nodded
I could see this had complicated things
He ran his hand along the edge
The salesman said it was made by one craftsman
Eight weeks
No two exactly alike
I didn’t say anything
You have to know when to stop selling
On the drive home he said
It’s still a coffee table
I said I know
He said nine thousand dollars
I said I know
He said coffee goes on it
I said sometimes books
He looked at me
I looked out the window
Monday he made a spreadsheet
I didn’t see it
I knew
He asked how long we’d keep it
I said forever
He said realistically
I said forever realistically
He asked what our current table cost
$800
He asked when we bought it
2014
He got quiet
Tuesday he said
If you keep the new one twelve years that’s $750 a year
I said okay
He said that’s $62.50 a month
I said okay
He said I’m not saying we should get it
I said I know
He said I’m just putting it in perspective
I said I know
We ordered it Thursday
Eight weeks
He checked the order status more than I did
When it arrived
he made the delivery men wait while he inspected every corner
Perfect
They left
I put two books on it
He said coasters
I said there’s no coffee
He said eventually
Six months later
he was lying on the floor beside it
I said what are you doing
He said nothing
He was looking underneath again
I asked if he liked it
He said it’s a nice table
He never says beautiful
It’s fine
I know what he means
HIM
She showed me a coffee table
It was $9,000
There are moments in a marriage when saying nothing is an act of love
This was one
I laughed instead
This was worse
She closed the laptop
Friday I found one for $649
Walnut
Four legs
Flat on top
Coffee table
I sent it to her
She said that’s not the same
I put them side by side
They were remarkably similar
She disagreed
Saturday we drove 34 minutes to look at the $9,000 one
This was apparently necessary
I told her before we left
We’re not buying it
She said I know
She says I know when she knows something different
At the store I looked underneath
You can tell things underneath
I don’t know if this is true
But nobody else was looking underneath
So I did
Solid walnut
Joinery was excellent
No screws that I could see
This was irritating
I was hoping for screws
The salesman said one craftsman makes each table
Eight weeks
I asked where
He told me
I nodded
I shouldn’t have asked
On the way home I reminded her
$9,000
For a coffee table
She said I know
I said its primary function is holding coffee
She said sometimes books
This was technically true
Monday I opened Excel
Not to justify the table
To demonstrate how ridiculous it was
Current table
$800
Twelve years
$66.67 per year
This was excellent
New table
$9,000
Twelve years
$750 per year
This was terrible
Then I made a mistake
I divided by twelve
$62.50 a month
That sounded different
I divided by thirty
$2.05 a day
I stared at this
I did not tell her
Then I calculated twenty years
$1.23 a day
This was going badly
I added resale value
Walnut holds value
Probably
I found three used ones online
One had sold for $5,200
Now the table had an exit strategy
This was worse
Tuesday I mentioned
casually
that if we kept it twelve years it was $62.50 a month
She said okay
Too casually
I said I’m not saying we should get it
She said I know
I said I’m just putting it in perspective
She said I know
I hated how much she knew
Thursday we ordered it
$9,000
Plus tax
We don’t discuss the tax
Eight weeks later a truck arrived
Two men carried it inside
I inspected every corner
Then underneath
Perfect
This annoyed me slightly
She put two books on it
No coaster
I said coasters
She said there’s no coffee
I said eventually
We now have six coasters
Nobody is allowed to put a drink directly on the table
This has reduced some of its functionality as a coffee table
Last Saturday I was on the floor looking underneath it
The joinery really is excellent
She asked what I was doing
I said nothing
She asked if I liked it
I said it’s a nice table
She smiled
$9,000
We’ve had it six months
$49.32 a day
I haven’t calculated that
Recently
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