Dallas is a city built on image. Big hair, bigger trucks, and the biggest pretenses you’ll find south of the Mason-Dixon line. Everyone’s got to keep up appearances in the Big D, which means smiling through gritted teeth at things that make you want to scream. From overpriced everything to traffic that makes you question your life choices, here are 25 things every Dallasite claims to adore but secretly fantasizes about nuking from orbit.
25. You Pretend State Fair Food Is Amazing
You post Instagram pics of your Fletcher’s Corny Dog like it’s culinary genius, but deep down you know it’s just a hot dog rolled in sugar-corn batter and fried until it achieves the consistency of cardboard. You pay $8 for what amounts to carnival food that would get laughed out of any decent restaurant. But you keep going back every October, pretending that deep-fried butter is somehow a cultural experience worth bragging about.
24. You Act Like the Cowboys Are Still “America’s Team”
You wear the star with pride and drop $200 on jerseys, but you secretly know the Cowboys haven’t been relevant since Clinton was in office. You keep telling yourself “this is our year” while watching them choke in the playoffs for the 28th consecutive season. Deep down, you’re tired of defending a team that peaked when your parents were young, but admitting that would be social suicide in Dallas.
23. You Claim to Love the Heat in Summer
“It’s a dry heat,” you lie, as if that somehow makes 105 degrees tolerable. You pretend sweating through your shirt by 9 AM is just part of the Dallas experience, but you’re secretly calculating how much your electric bill will be running the AC on Arctic Blast mode for four straight months. You fantasize about moving somewhere with actual seasons but keep telling everyone how much you “love the sunshine.”
22. You Rave About Deep Ellum’s “Character”
You tell visitors Deep Ellum is so authentic and gritty, but you’re really just trying to convince yourself that paying $15 for a craft beer in a converted warehouse makes you cultured. The “character” you love is mostly broken glass, overpriced tacos, and trust fund kids cosplaying as artists. You want to love it because it’s supposed to be cool, but mostly you just want better parking and fewer hipsters.
21. You Pretend Uptown Living Is the Dream
You pay $2,500 for a 600-square-foot “luxury” apartment that’s basically a dorm room with granite countertops. You claim the walkability is amazing, but really, you’re just walking to the same three overpriced bars filled with the same people talking about their finance jobs. The “vibrant nightlife” is mostly college kids and recent grads pretending they’re living in Manhattan instead of a glorified strip mall.
20. You Act Like Bishop Arts District Is Charming
You call it “quaint” and “local,” but you’re paying Brooklyn prices for vintage stores selling mass-produced “antiques” and restaurants that charge $16 for avocado toast. The charm you love is really just artificial scarcity and Instagram-worthy brick walls. You keep going because you’re supposed to support local business, but your wallet cries every time.
19. You Claim to Enjoy Driving Everywhere
You brag about having “freedom” and not being stuck on public transit like those poor souls in other cities, but you’re secretly dying inside, spending two hours a day in traffic on Central Expressway. You pretend your F-150 is necessary for your office job, but really, it’s just an expensive status symbol that costs you $80 to fill up every week. You’d kill for a decent subway system but would never admit it.
18. You Rave About Texas-Sized Portions
You post pictures of your slab of beef big enough to feed a family of four, pretending that sheer volume equals culinary greatness. Half of it goes home in a doggy bag, and the other half just sits heavy in your stomach while you quietly regret your life choices. You talk up the “value” of portions that could double as a doorstop, but deep down you’d rather have a meal that doesn’t require three days of leftovers and a gallon of sweet tea to wash down.
17. You Love Telling People About “No State Income Tax”
You smugly inform everyone how much money you save without state income tax, but you conveniently ignore that you’re getting murdered by property taxes, sales taxes, and toll roads that cost more than most people’s car payments. Your total tax burden is probably higher than in California, but you keep pushing this narrative because it makes you feel superior to people in other states.
16. You Pretend the Sixth Floor Museum Is Fascinating
You dutifully take every visitor to Dealey Plaza and act like it’s this profound historical experience, but honestly, it’s just a depressing room full of old photos and conspiracy theories. You’ve been there six times and learned nothing new since the second visit, but you keep going because it’s what you’re supposed to do when people visit Dallas. The gift shop is more interesting than the actual museum.
15. You Act Like the Arboretum Is Worth Fighting Crowds For
You post pictures of yourself in the pumpkin patch or spring flowers like you’re some nature lover, but you’re really just following the crowd to take the same photos everyone else takes. The place is so packed you can barely move, parking is a nightmare, and you spend more time waiting in line than actually enjoying nature. You’d rather just buy flowers at Trader Joe’s but that doesn’t get likes on social media.
14. You Claim Love Field Is Convenient
You brag about how much easier Love Field is than DFW, but you secretly know your flight options are limited and you often end up paying more for the “convenience.” Southwest’s cattle-call boarding makes you feel like livestock, and the airport is barely big enough for its traffic. You keep telling yourself it’s worth it while standing in line for 45 minutes to get through security.
13. You Pretend to Love Ranch Everything
You put ranch on everything because it’s expected, but deep down, you know it’s just mayo with herbs that mask the flavor of whatever you’re eating. You order it with pizza, vegetables, and things that have no business being near ranch, all while pretending it’s some culinary preference instead of peer pressure. You’d rather have actual flavor, but questioning ranch in Texas is like questioning barbecue.
12. You Act Like Highland Park Village Is Charming
You call it a “charming outdoor shopping center,” but it’s really just an overpriced mall that makes you feel poor. You can’t afford anything there, but you keep going because it’s supposed to be sophisticated. The “charm” is mostly architectural elitism and stores where a t-shirt costs more than your car payment. You window shop and pretend you belong while your bank account weeps.
11. You Claim to Love BBQ Debates
You get passionate about Franklin vs. Pecan Lodge vs. Lockhart like it’s some meaningful cultural discussion, but honestly, you’re tired of standing in line for two hours for brisket that tastes pretty much the same everywhere. The debates are exhausting and mostly performative. You’d be happy with grocery store barbecue most days, but admitting that in Texas would get you exiled.
10. You Pretend White Rock Lake Is Scenic
You jog around the lake and post sunrise photos like you’re living your best life, but mostly you’re dodging goose poop, aggressive cyclists, and wondering why the water always looks vaguely green. The “scenic” views are mostly of power lines and suburban sprawl. You keep going because it’s free exercise and you need content for social media, not because it’s actually beautiful.
9. You Act Like Dallas Has Great Public Transit
You defend DART like it actually goes places you want to go, but you secretly know it’s slow, unreliable, and connects a bunch of suburbs to downtown where nothing happens after 6 PM. You’ve taken it exactly twice—once to a Mavs game and once because your car was in the shop. The light rail is fine if you want to travel between strip malls, but useless for actual city living.
8. You Claim to Love the Rivalry with Houston
You trash talk Houston like it’s your job, but deep down, you know they have better food, more culture, and less pretension. The rivalry mostly exists because you need someone to feel superior to, not because Dallas is actually better. You’ve been to Houston and had a good time but would never admit it. The rivalry is exhausting and mostly one-sided at this point.
7. You Pretend Klyde Warren Park Is Amazing
You call it an “urban oasis” but it’s basically a narrow strip of grass over a freeway with food trucks that charge restaurant prices. The “programming” is mostly yoga classes you could do at home and concerts you can barely hear over traffic noise. You love the concept more than the reality, but you keep going because Dallas finally has something that resembles a real city park.
6. You Act Like Northpark Mall Is Sophisticated
You treat shopping at Northpark like it’s a cultural experience because it has a Nordstrom and some art installations, but it’s still just a mall full of the same stores you can find anywhere. You pay for valet parking to buy things you could get online for less, but you pretend the “experience” is worth it. The sophistication is mostly just better lighting and marble floors.
5. You Love Bragging About “No Traffic” Compared to Other Cities
You smugly tell people from LA or New York how much worse their traffic is, but you’re lying through your teeth while spending 45 minutes going 10 miles on 635. Your commute is soul-crushing, and you know it, but admitting Dallas traffic is terrible would undermine your whole “Texas is better” argument. You’ve just gotten really good at lying to yourself.
4. You Pretend to Enjoy Rangers Games
You go to Globe Life Field and rave about the new stadium, but you’re really just there for the air conditioning and overpriced beer. You barely watch the game because baseball is boring and the Rangers are mediocre, but you keep buying season tickets because it’s what successful Dallas people do. You’d rather be anywhere else, but you need something to do with clients and friends.
3. You Act Like You Love the Restaurant Scene
You Instagram every meal at the latest trendy spot and pretend Dallas dining rivals New York or San Francisco, but most of these places are just expensive comfort food with good marketing. You’re paying $30 for chicken and waffles because the lighting is good and the plates are pretty. The “scene” is mostly hype and social media, not actual culinary innovation.
2. You Claim to Love How “Friendly” Everyone Is
You brag about Southern hospitality and how nice everyone is in Dallas, but you know it’s mostly surface-level politeness masking passive aggression and judgment. People smile while talking behind your back, and the friendliness evaporates the moment you’re not useful to them. You participate in this fake friendliness because you have to, not because you enjoy it.
1. You Swear the High Five Is “Engineering Genius”
Dallasites love to point at the High Five interchange like it’s the Eiffel Tower of North Texas, but driving it feels more like being strapped into a concrete anxiety simulator. You’re 70 feet in the air, clinging to the steering wheel while the signage dares you to pick the wrong lane and end up in Plano against your will. Outsiders are told it’s an “engineering marvel,” but locals know it’s five layers of stress stacked neatly above Central Expressway. It’s the one landmark that inspires awe and panic in equal measure, and the only souvenir you take home is a sore jaw from clenching your teeth the entire drive.
